My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
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I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…