The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
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When ur friends with white people
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
then why did i get this email
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate