Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
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Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Hey I worked for it too!
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.