Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
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*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
it was love at first sight
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*