Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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I beg your pardon?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Godspeed, John Glenn
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Spider-cat: No One Home
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.