My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…