Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
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Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake