No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
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why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”