That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently