[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
You Might Also Like
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”