Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
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My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Tastes like chicken.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
i wish we could shoplift online
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss