I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
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“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body