[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Okey dokey.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]