My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.