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Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Some people were born into their job.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.