i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
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The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him