If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.