Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
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[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.