I laughed at this way too hard.
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Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.