“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.