Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Brb my Sims are getting married
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I’m sure it’s fine.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.