What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up