The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
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3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.