I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
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*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?