I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
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Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”