Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.