teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
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Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.