Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
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Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
my dad has had enough
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody