Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
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People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus