What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.