Xylophonist Shredding It
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The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Running from your problems is cardio .
our love story in four pictures
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.