Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
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I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
HOW DARE YOU
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.