When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok