Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
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Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement