Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
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The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wednesday
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Duolingo getting serious.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes