DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know