Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
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Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
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