No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
You Might Also Like
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.