No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
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The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.