Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom