Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
You Might Also Like
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
ACED my prostate exam!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL