[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.