Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag