date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
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Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu