People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Can’t stop laughing