The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
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Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?