My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
You Might Also Like
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I don’t know what to do
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.