Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
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Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.