This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
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“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Love this guy
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
The Others (2001)
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio