It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
LOOOOOOL
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.